Monday, October 24, 2005

A random assortment of thoughts

This weekend was rather, um, shall we say, thought provoking. Not the kind of thought provoking that usually ends in some deep revelation about life or anything, but thought provoking in the sense that I spent a lot of time thinking about how that sucked, this rocked, and wondering why in the hell some people never seem to get it. EVER.

I have no answers, but since this is my blog and I can write whatever I want, I'm just going to start listing a few things that occupied my melon over the last few days (and maybe some this morning, too.)

First things first - Mamasan had a scary inconclusive mammogram a few weeks ago. Now, for most folks, this wouldn't mean beans, but we have a history of breast cancer in the family and not exactly the best health on other fronts AND Mamasan is on hormone replacement therapy, so an inconclusive / questionable mammogram is cause for concern. I'm pleased to say that a repeat scan this morning seems to have cleared up the issue and everything is fine and dandy (except, of course, for Mamasan's squished breast - I'm sure it had happier goals in mind to accomplish today besides being able to fit through a mail slot.) The complete and final okay should come within 24 hours or so, but it looks great. YIPPEE.

The shit is hitting the fan with regards to B's situation with his addict friend. Friend is a generous word, frankly because an addict slowly loses friendships and replaces them with resentments. The snag comes in the form of employment - the addict to whom I refer is a co-worker (technically a superior to B, although in name only, not in practice.) Just got off the phone with B and he told me that it's going down. NOW. And that B has been told to "keep his head down." I'm DYING to know what is going on, but will have to wait until I'm filled in. What an interesting family dinner we'll have tonight!

The race is on for 2 clients I have right now. One was due last week (first time mama -usually go a bit late,) and one due on the 3rd who has a history of going early and who is already 3cm / 90% - and isn't even in labor yet. They are both hospital births. DIFFERENT HOSPITALS. This could get interesting.

Some people never get it and they probably never will. Past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior. I'm not surprised - but it's annoying as all hell. I read in a schmaltzy Annie's Mailbox clipping the other day the following (about an unrelated topic): "You cannot expect them to remain an unending well of comfort." . I hope like hell I'm not the only one who read that - I know of a couple of others who really need to read it and understand it. There are folks out there who will just bleed you dry - just to prove to themselves that someone cares. I'm bone dry, folks, thanks so much. Your life is falling apart? I don't care - I cannot care anymore. You continue to make the same childish, selfish, ignorant, immature, asinine choices that continue to drop you on your ass in the same horrible places. It must be working for you, you must be getting something out of it, or else you would stop doing the same damned thing. I've given you folks everything I can give you - you're on your own.

You cannot see or hear something that some one has and then just decide to make it your own. This applies to catch phrases, favorite songs, a particular style, and even friends. And yes, there are folks out there who will just snag anything and everything from someone else just so they don't have to do the work to gather up their own. It is just not cool. Some folks say, "Well, maybe it's a compliment." Nope. "Wow, what a great shirt" is a compliment. "You make the best lasagna in the world" is a compliment. "You're such a good friend" is a compliment. "I'm going to take bits and pieces of your life and try to make them my own" is not a compliment. Which leads me to...

I'd rather have the whole world pissed off at me and be happy with myself than have the whole world love me and hate what I see when I look in the mirror. The only person I ultimately have to answer to is myself and, if you know me, you know I'm one tough cat. I find that I spend more time lamenting things I have said and done in the past that are just out of character - things that I have done to please people, to win people over, to try and find myself (yeah, see, I said in the past because I haven't lived that way in a long, long time.) Just last night I was feeling really crappy about something I did when I was 11 years old. I mean, good night Irene, that was 18 years ago! But, the event that clouded my mind was an event that took place because I was trying to be like someone else, trying to please folks. In 29 years of life, I have very few things that I regret that came from my own truth, but loads that have resulted from trying to live someone else's truth. To thine own self be true, you know? So, world, go ahead and set up your "We hate Mamakohl" fan clubs - I don't care. I won't be joining your membership roster.

I am blessed beyond words because I have wonderful things in my life. I have exciting opportunities, a great career (two?,) a plenitude of amazing and rockin' friends, a terrific husband, awesome kids. I am the proud owner of a mortgage. I have a really positive outlook on life ('cause I have learned how to set limits and care for myself) and, while I hate to admit it, the truth is that I'm really a hopeless optimist. I believe that anyone can change and grow and have a great life (unless you've burned me and if you've burned me, well, see above.) The problem comes when folks ask me how to go about getting all that I have. I have no idea. Honestly. NO IDEA. I know that I wasn't always like this. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out when the switch took place, what precipitated it. I don't know. I look in my past and see a time when I was so desperate for attention and acceptance that I jumped through all kinds of hoops to get it. I don't know when it changed. I don't know how it changed - but it did. Must think about this some more - if I come up with an answer, I'll be sure to post it. Surely, I'm not the only one wondering.

Buying something brand new that has to charge for 24 hours before the first use can be really infuriating to a woman who is all about instant gratification. No, dear friends, those things take batteries - I'm talking about a vacuum. Sheesh! Get your brain out of the gutter.

There is just about nothing cooler than watching a 5 year old stomp around the living room singing "Get up, Stand Up" along with a Bob Marley dvd. I swear. And then the 3 year old raised his little fist and sang," Well, everywhere is War." Sent chills up my spine. I love my kids. I just freaking love them. I'm so proud of them. Stealth is named after Robert Nesta Marley and he knows why. We love Bob. Sandie, if you're still reading, I imagine you've had very much the same experience.

My sons are going to eat me out of house and home.

I'm stopping here. I gotta make some grilled cheese and soup for lunch and get to work on a hat and scarf set for (GASP) myself. I have several orders for Kohleidoscope - but Mama got take care of herself, first.

And my brain rattles on...


sandie said...

i still read---just busy as sh*t as of late!
love to read your blog!

yes, Mira thinks that our new car came with Bob's Early years CD..."we're gonna have a soul shakedown party tonight..." as it hasn't left the changer!!

ooh, i recently got a new t-shirt---it says:
"Listen to Bob Marley".

that's it! :-)

mamakohl said...

Oh OH oH, is that the one with "Do it Twice?" Personal song between me and B -ohh la la. "I live in the woods alone - I need some company. BABY!"