A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was having a hard time. There was an overhaul coming, but I had no idea what or when or where or how. Scary shit, eh? I mean, honestly, we could be talking about maybe I would wake up one morning with new vision for my future or maybe I would wake up one morning with an infected and unremovable cyst on my ass the size of a space ship. Either way, some things would be a changin'.
I'm pleased to announce that the overhaul has commenced and I have escaped the cyst! Wahoo, that's 29 years and counting!
The overhaul, it turns out, is all in my mind. My thought process is changing, my perspective is morphing. Sometimes I think that my brain is bi-polar - long stretches of inactivity and depressive behavior followed by rapid insane bursts of creative thinking, cognitive reasoning, explosively grasping onto new concepts. My behavior doesn't so much mimic that pattern, so I think I can successfully avoid the lithium and continue to rely on my own *ahem* herbal cures, but my brain - dear Elvis on velvet, my brain is a whirling dervish. Things are making sense left and right, the answers are coming like those annoying rapid fire tanks on the 4th of July - non stop, without warning, and firing in all directions and sometimes hitting the gross of bottle rockets - read: more ideas- and sending them flying everywhere, too.
The last 36 hours have pretty much been like the tank hitting the bottle rockets which happen to get the stash of dynamite we have hidden in secret locations in case the rapture comes and we're left here (seriously, can you image how much fun it would be to blow crap up with all the other remaining sinners of the world?!!?!? DDFF, don't worry babe, we've got enough for you, too!) Okay, all crazy writing aside (and no, we really don't have any dynamite, dammit,) things have been going like mad in my brain.
I wrote yesterday about how I realized that my funk was not honestly directed at my husband at all, it was seriously all about me. SO true. The longer I mulled this around in my head, the more I realized that I was just being an ass and avoiding the issues with myself (after all, isn't it easier to demand that someone else change than to change yourself??) I started making changes yesterday and I'm telling you, my outlook today is so much better.
(Taking a moment to drink my coffee and decide which direction I want this post to really go.)
In effort to make this easy on myself, I'm going to just kind of list some of the ideas that have come through my head.
You cannot get what you want unless you ask for it
Sounds like common sense and it's something I tell my clients all the time, but it's harder to put into practice in your daily life. Yesterday I posted that I need to get out more and be more social and that it will probably mean that I'll be spending some evenings without my husband on a regular basis (remember, he's not fond of people.) This is something that I so clearly need, but I was a little spazzed out about telling B about it. I mean, really, telling your spouse that you just have to get the hell out of dodge on a regular basis, which means leaving him at home with two small children, is not the easiest thing in the world to do. But you know what? Last night I just laid it out for him and he said, "FINALLY. I've been wondering how long it would take you to see that you are feeling stifled." You'd think I'd have throttled him for holding onto this information for so long without telling me, but honestly, I would have dismissed him had he tried to fill me in. Damn, he's one smart cookie. So, ask and you shall receive.
Making it through the day is wasting your life
Some email conversations with my sister spawned this one. Now, if you're reading this (and I know you are,) let me just say right here and now that I struggle with this in my own life, so I'm not just writing about you. You were just the punk that lit my fuse for this realization. I cannot count the number of times I've had thoughts like, "Oh lord, just a few more hours and this day is over," or, "what can I do that will take up x hours?" Most often, it all boils down to just wanting to get through the damned day. But why? I mean, what's going to be different about the next day? I'm not talking about waiting for that glorious income tax refund check to come in or if your best buddy is due to arrive in town next week. No, I'm not talking about looking forward to those moments that we all anticipate with childlike mania. I'm talking about the "I'm dog assed tired, I don't care if you've already had Mac & Cheese three times this week, you are being loud, so let's just make it to bedtime RIGHT NOW," kind of making it through the day. Guess what? Tomorrow you're going to get tired again, you're going to have to feed the kids and that blue and yellow box will again look appealing, and yep, they're going to be loud. It's the same thing. The only way that it's going to be any different is if you make it different yourself, and since that's the truth, why the hell are you waiting for it to happen TOMORROW??? (I'm using the collective you - I mean you, me, and my goldfish.) Do something different today. RIGHT NOW. Don't try to make it through the day - try to make more moments in the day. No one is going to change your reality other than yourself. Don't waste your life trying to make it through. It's not going to happen tomorrow. It's not going to happen just by chance. Carpe Diem! Go get some sushi.
When you are really really really angry with someone, when you're just about as frustrated as you can be, hug and kiss on them.
Okay, I'm talking about friends and family members. You're not going to see my driving up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with a big wet one for The Monkey. I struggle with feeling angry and annoyed and fed up with my kids and my husband (is this news to you? If so, you need to read more often.) Sometimes I forget that the kids are just tiny little humans who are new to this life and sometimes I forget that my husband is just a man (oh Tammy Wynette, sing it, sister.) When they are driving me insane and I want to smash dishes, I find that best way to get rid of that horrid feeling is to just love on them. It may be about as appealing as voting republican, but it's what I need to do. I swear, if I want to strangle Stealth and I go and pick him up and kiss him, I feel his soft little body, his warm breath and baby soft skin and I remember. If I want to run B over with his own truck, I can hug him and kiss him and remember. If Duck won't shut his mouth and I've heard the same saying over and over and over again, I can kiss him on the cheek, look into those blue eyes, and remember. Rage is what happens when we forget that we love.
You cannot get what you do not know how to give
You'll never know what it's like to be loved unconditionally unless you can love someone unconditionally. You'll never have deep and true friendship unless you can give deep and true friendship to someone else. Your kids will never be understanding of you unless you are understanding of them. You gotta give to get. But you have to be careful and you have to give *exactly* what you want. You cannot give sex and expect to get love. You cannot give rules and expect to get respect. You cannot offer up Spaghetti-o's and expect to get Spinach and Ricotta Mannicotti.
I could go on. It occurs to me that I've been doing work on the computer for a few hours now and, well, that is a craptastic way to spend a Saturday morning. After all, if I want my kids to be attentive of me, I need to be attentive of them. And, I'm sure there will be more brain fireworks in the coming days - I gotta make sure the firewall is secure.
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