What I'm feeling, I cannot write about. I cannot write about it because I cannot even let my brain form words for it. It's beyond language.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
examining the pieces
What I'm feeling, I cannot write about. I cannot write about it because I cannot even let my brain form words for it. It's beyond language.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Thanks - and good news!
Thank you, everyone, for your words of concern and compassion yesterday. The post about my grandfather was something that I needed to write for myself - it just happened that I wrote it here and you all read it. I appreciate your comments and thanks so much for reaching out to me both here on this blog as well as through personal email.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Vernon
My grandfather is 80 years old. He's over 6 feet tall, has a love affair with coveralls, and has a laugh that you could identify from miles away. Grandpa can still get my father's attention with a simple whistle - and my Dad, who's heard the whistle for 60 years, knows that it's his father, and no one else, whistling. My grandfather tells jokes and drinks coffee and can turn a pile of wood into art. He likes pie. He likes music. He likes Westerns. My grandfather's name is Vernon. He is dying.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Holiday Hullabaloo
Thanksgiving is over which means it's now time for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or "Happy Non Denominational Celebration" as old friend of mine used to say.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Gratitude
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- My strong healthy body that carries my where I want to go and allows me to do what I want to do.
- My heart that aches for all those in pain, leaps for joy with all those celebrating, dances in love, and hopes for the future.
- My mind that is rusted open.
- My spirit that is beyond my body, heart, and mind.
- My husband who is the perfect extension of my being, and I am the perfect extension of his.
- Our marriage, which is based on honesty, trust, openness, faith, humor, compassion, and love.
- Our children who walk on clouds and sprinkle magic wherever they go
- My family members who have humored me for nearly 30 years.
- My in-laws who took a chance on the weirdo and have loved me for 7 years and counting.
- My friends to whom I owe more than words can convey.
- My house that shelters me and my loved ones, keeps us warm and together.
- My art which gives me outlet for my creativity and keeps me sane
- My ability to stay at home with my children and educate, rather than school, them
- My career in birth - there are no words for how grateful I am to be a part of miracles on a daily basis.
- My freedom
- Food in my belly and clothes on my back
- Being 35 pounds lighter and healthier this year
- Sobriety
- Intelligence
- Passion - without it, there is no motivation. Without motivation, there is no growth.
- Forgiveness
- Pronoia
- Faith and hope
- Humor
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Best Gift
"Hey, Duck, are you a happy kid?"
New Olympic Sport - Stair bowling
Simple as can be.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Credit where due
I mentioned that I have PMS. Pretty much makes me the last person anyone would want to be around. Except my husband. He doesn't mind. He brings me tea. He rubs my back. He tells me he'll try to come home early. He tells me that I need to give myself a break - everyone gets crabby now and then. He kisses my forehead, hugs me tight, and tells me that if he had a cramping uterus, he'd be a bitch, too. You cannot ask for much more than that.
somebody shoot me already
I have PMS. BAD PMS. And I know it. So, I'm irrational, emotional, demanding, contradictory - and I know it.
Monday, November 21, 2005
um, California isn't so sunny
As a homeschooling family, we look for interesting ways to educate our kids. Sincerely - we play "N, S, E, W leapfrog." Anyway, one of the ways that we're teaching the kids about US geography is by ordering packets from each individual state, one at a time. Now, some states are really great about this. Some will give you hidden links to resources that you might not find otherwise. Some states, for example Texas, will send you an educators packet that talks about state history, geography, etc. Most all of the states we've hit up thus far have been exemplary.
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
Thanks, Mark for turning me onto this lovely little gem. I'm passing it on with a lifted ball of yarn, a couple of knitting needles, and ask all of you, " You Knit What??"
"Seriously. It's not like we're attacking random knitbloggers, or anything, which we've considered, because damn, some of y'all have designed some seriously fugly shit. But, we're not overly fond of death-by-knitting-needle threats, so we decided against it.
"So, we're sticking to national publications/yarn company published patterns/online knitzines. If you're some random onlooker and you want to take shit personally, big fat boohoo to you because, one, you didn't design the fugknit in question so get over it, and two, don't you have some knitting to do?"
Gotta have this
![](http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1887/1161/320/YogaForKids.jpg)
I love this. LOVE THIS. Wonderful kid + parent yoga. Purists, this will not replace your practice and mediation - it's geared towards kids and therefore has some jarring transitions, but it's so worth the hour it takes to do this. An hour of fun, easy paced yoga with your kids! Positions are explained in kid friendly terms with the benefits layed out clearly for parents. Lots of two person poses for parent and child - aids in balance and stretch. It's wonderful. It's silly. It's fun. It's healthy. It's a wonderful way to spend some time with your children, building your relationship, your mental health, your body. If you have kids, run, don't walk, and get it.
*You'll have to leave your stoic adult self at the door.*
![Posted by Picasa](http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif)
...and this
Sunday, November 20, 2005
WHOA!
Occasionally, things happen that rock your world, and one of those things happened yesterday. I'm not going to get into the details yet - I'm still kind of trying to pinch myself.
Friday, November 18, 2005
maybe baby?
Gotta client flirting around with labor. Hope she goes on and does it - today works so well for me.
Koan, I (Still) Do, and stinking our way to health
Koan's are little parables passed down for centuries from one monk to another to illuminate a small teaching...koans typically have a moral, or a twist, or perhaps they are so illogical that in their absence of rational thought they force someone to abandon logic.
This one is called black nosed Buddha---
A nun who was searching for enlightenment carved a wooden Buddha and covered it in gold leaf. It was very pretty and she carried it everywhere she went.
Years passed and still carrying her Buddha she settled down in a small country temple where there were many statues each with its own shrine.
She burned incense in front of her own statue, and not wanting to share any of the perfume with the other statues, she devised a funnel that would direct the smoke toward her own. This blackened the nose of her Buddha and made it especially ugly
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Transgendered fish
We got Duck a goldfish for his 4th birthday. He's now 5 and a half, and this little goldfish (who's now huge) continues to live and thrive in his little tank. We did get an aerator for the tank because we weren't in any hurry to explain a dead pet to our child. As a result, "Nemo" has been a part of our family for awhile.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
the gasp heard 'round the world
came from me as I not only bought a flat iron this morning, but used it and loved it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Dating for Seniors
I'm thinking I'm going to miserably shoot pool for awhile (oh man, it's Tuesday = Free pool and dollar bottles. Maybe I'll just sit by and watch the parade of Aquanet and Mullets,) while B hustles me out of his own money. Then dinner - I'm thinking Caesar salad with seared tuna? Salmon? Finally, a movie. I'm dying to see Walk the Line and think that B will most likely want to see it, too. Honestly, though, I think I'd be better off seeing that with DDFF. I mean, B is a great man and all, but even the best of men can only handle hearing their wife make comments under her breath for so long! (C'mon, Joaquin, I'll walk your line!) ZING!
Eh, who am I kidding? We'll probably get a frozen pizza, watch Earl, and be asleep on the couch by ten. Good enough.
(Oh, and for those of you who are checking this in the morning, this is not the interesting post I mentioned yesterday. Already posted that one. Keep reading.)
Monday, November 14, 2005
all grown up, giving thanks, things I love
I met D when I was 13 years old. He was this tiny guy (I mean TINY,) but he was funny, had a great face, and could dance. Everyone thought that he would be "hot" if he ever grew up - and grow up he did. Over a foot. Over a summer. When I was 21, I had my one and only one night stand with D (does it count as a one night stand if I had known him all those years?) Without going into too many details (Hi, Mom,) let me just say WOW. WOW. WOW. I've always wondered what happened to him. Now I know. He's still in the same town, he's married to a gorgeous woman, and he has 3 children, a mortgage, a car payment, and a blog. He's happy. And he's conservative. Who'd have guessed? Not me - nor the guy who repaired the broken shower door! ;-)
It's odd, looking at pictures of him and his beautiful family. I can still see the teenager in him - and he's certainly not a teenager anymore. A stranger would see him and comment on the man, but I still see the guy. He is friends with another guy I knew years ago and he, also, has a wife and children. They've grown up. We've all grown up. I see in their words and their pictures that we all have the same lives as each other. Oh sure, some have more money than others, some lean more to the right or the left, but all in all, we're all the same. I find that incredibly comforting. I find it unifying. I find it to be encouraging and it brings me peace. And, maybe someone out there has stumbled upon this blog or Kohleidoscope or my business website and say, "Hey, she turned out alright! We're the same!"
We're all the same, eh?
Thanksgiving is coming up. I've always found it absurd that we all choose one day to be thankful. Good grief, either you're a grateful person or you are not, right? I've spent a lot of years being not. Not grateful. And, therefore, not happy. In the last few months, I've been making a conscious effort to be actively grateful. What's actively grateful, you ask? Actively grateful is taking a moment (or several) every single day to comment about those things for which you are thankful, grateful, etc. I spent a lot of time with DDFF this weekend and she probably thinks I'm a wing nut (jump on in here, DDFF, I can take it) because I actually stopped in the middle of an aisle at Target on Saturday to say, aloud, how grateful I am that we both have amazingly wonderful, supportive husbands. I didn't say it to her. I didn't say it to the folks behind me asking me to get the hell out of the way. Nope. I said it, aloud, to the universe. And the universe has repaid me by allowing me to be married to a wonderfully supportive husband. This active gratitude has changed my life. Try it. You might be surprised.
Speaking of gratitude, I'm gonna list some things I love.
- Jazz. I love jazz. Spent the better part of the afternoon doing laundry and such and listening to Dave Brubeck. Don't be scared of jazz. Try it.
- My new cut.
- My amazing kids. I love them, they crack me up, they teach me daily.
- My husband - he's so talented it makes my head swim
- Hearing from MIL and FIL who ask to keep the boys over night in the middle of the week
- Long sleeved t-shirts
- My girlfriends (yes, Jason, this includes you.)
- Paid bills
- good food
- old friends with new ideas (new wine in old bottles, as they say.)
- popcorn with nutritional yeast
- art
- creativity
- the success of my friends
- crossword puzzles
- good coffee
- my pink slippers
- flannel sheets
- Lady Grey tea (ohh, thanks for that, DDFF)
- yoga
- the warm spot between my husband's shoulder blades - and the fact that he lets me put my cold nose there to warm it in the middle of the night .
- Swiffer Sweep + Vac - yes, it really is that good
- Venus Divine razors (good enough to get me shaving after 7 years)
- documentaries
- 3 c flour, 1/2 c salt, 2 packets of KoolAid, 2 c boiling water. Mix together, kneed. You've got yourself some instant, home made Play Doh.
- Dinner
(gobble gobble)
weekend in a wink
I've started a few posts about my weekend, but they all sucked, so here we go - bullet points again!
- Cleaned my house, top to bottom, on Friday. It's beautiful. And clean.
- Saturday I cut my hair off. It's chin length and I adore it. Pictures coming.
- Went shopping on Saturday with DDFF and found the best fitting bra I've had in awhile, an amazing pair of pants, 2 new shirts I love.
- Ate Chinese food at a Cajun Grill. Go figure.
- Discovered a new place to buy wool yarn for felting. WAHOO
- Sunday I had 2 prenatals, an interview, lunch, coffee, and cheesecake with DDFF. LOVELY.
- DDFF and I both got hit on at a local bookstore. Feels good to two ol' married gals. Must be the new bras.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Seasons of Change
Okay, this has nothing at all to do with the subject of my entry today, but let me just state for the record that I have done a load of laundry, fixed a large and healthy breakfast, done the dishes, scrubbed the upstairs bathroom, cleaned the living room and kitchen (including windows,) swept AND mopped the entire upstairs - all before 10 AM. That's what I call TCB. RIGHT ON.
For a long time, I thought this summer was the best summer of my life. I thought that it would define me forever. Even now, I can remember certain moments so clearly, it's as if I lived them just yesterday.
- Riding to the County Fair in a big ol' truck owned by my buddy Matt's dad. Sitting in the back seat, the only girl in the vehicle, smoking a joint and hearing Melissa for the very first time. To this day, it's still my favorite Allman Bros song and I cannot hear it without closing my eyes and seeing the red interior of the truck and smelling the river that had inundated our town.
- Hanging out in the bowling alley, shooting pool, and smoking - in comes my friend Beth with a red nose that has a new little thingy on it - she had pierced her own nose by shoving an earring through it. You wouldn't believe where she is now. To celebrate, my band of merry outlaws walked along the highway until we got the Crunchy Kittens where we pooled all our change and ordered 6 cups of coffee, Moz sticks, and potato skins. We then spent about 4 hours there, about 3 hours and 35 minutes longer than it took us to eat the artery clogging foods.
- Hearing the terror in my boyfriend's voice as the flood waters came up through the heating vent in his grandmother's floor and learning of my parents love for me when they sold his family furniture really cheaply to replace what the waters had taken away. They loathed him, yet they helped him and his family. BTW, Steve, you still owe my dad $40.
- Running into the bathroom to comfort my best friend as the gravity of her father's suicide hit her full force, yet again. I cannot imagine her pain - but I know it was too much for her to even pee.
- Sitting in the woods, drinking beer, and hearing this guy who electrified me say, "I think we're having a moment of our own."
- Skipping a huge concert to spend time with my friends
- Twisting my dreadlocks, drinking wine, smoking the herb, and watching Bob Marley videos over and over again.
- That little apartment on 10th street with no a/c or hot water that, to us, was heaven on earth because we could be together.
- Getting doused with water at a Ziggy Marley concert and not wanting to kill the guy who did it. It's been over 6 years and he's still alive and in fact, is now married to me!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
New stuff on Kohleidoscope
LEAVES!
Tie Dyed Tuesday
Yesterday was election day all over the country and one thing has become pretty darn clear with the light of day - we're not going to take it anymore.
In New Jersey, a Democrat defeated a Republican for the office of Governor. He won by a 10 point margin. In California, all four propositions backed by Republican Governor "It's not a tumor" failed. In Virginia, Tim Kaine is the new Democratic Lieutenant Governor, winning the office even after The Monkey made a last minute campaign visit to support the Republican candidate. Not surprising, actually. I would think that a campaign visit and vote of support by George W. would be the kiss of death - I mean, good night, he has less than a 40% approval rate himself!
In my own state, public outrage over government officials is rampant. Sincerely. I live in a very liberal, free spirited, college town. It's very artsy, progressive, alive - which, of course, is why I've decided to make it my home. We all have something to say and most of us say it with bumper stickers. I cannot tell you how many cars I see driving around with stickers saying things like, "Don't blame me, I didn't vote for him the first time, either." "Somewhere in Texas a village is missing it's idiot." And, in regards to state matters, "Blunt Trauma," has got to be one of my favorites.
Let's see, what has the republican party done for us in the last few years? I could list the favors (like millions of people losing health care coverage, like funding for research for devastating diseases like Parkinson's disease being cut, like a drop in education funds, the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer, and the unfortunate ones to not live in a white house with a picket fence, well, screw them because "they live in a place where no decent person would ever want to live," ) but it would only cause an incredibly lengthy post and sore fingers for myself.
I have a few friends who either are card carrying Republicans or who have voted Republican in the past (yes, some of these votes helped to put The Monkey in a National office and The Ass in a State office.) I have had deep and honest conversations with them and let me tell you, their heads are hanging, their tails are tucked. Nothing like putting your life savings on the line at the track and seeing your horse leave the gate, shit on the track, and then lay down in it to lick himself. That's gotta suck.
Meanwhile, we Democrats have been sitting on the sidelines, holding signs and petitions, and saying, "See, you schmucks, we told you so. We've been telling you for years."
What can I say? We're more than bong toting, tree hugging, granola farming, patchouli wearing, Chai drinking, hummus making, organic hippies. We're smart. We're committed. We're educated. We're passionate.
We're being validated and maybe, just maybe, we're right.
I am all about people believing in whatever they want to believe. I am all about differences and diversity. I believe that we MUST have differing opposing parties - after all, it's friction that causes change. I like to be challenged, to have my view points questions. It strengthens my resolve. It reinforces my beliefs. I guess it's been a while since my political opposites have been in the same hot seat. I wonder, how will this change things?
I don't know. I don't have the answers. I have to say, however, that it's becoming abundantly clear to the entire nation that The Monkey and The Ass and all the other barnyard pests don't have the answers, either. In fact, they are only bringing up more questions and dropping a lot of crap in the fields. If an elephant shits in the woods, you can bet your ass it stinks - and it's stinking around the world.
So, come on over to my house. I'll give you some chamomile tea, play you my favorite Dead bootleg, and we can chat while the Nag Champa covers the smell of manure. If you're lucky, I'll show you my granola farm. I hear it's the crop of the future. Let's hope so.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Possible blog topics
I spent the better part of Friday with my best girlie, JP. I swear, we had so much fun together that it was nearly enough to make her drop her gig so we can do it more often! Her 3 kids and my 2 kids played in her yard while we drank Chianti, talked about our husbands, and laughed at her ridiculous red lipstick. What was going to be a 2 hour play date ended up being a 6 hour adventure. I love JP. We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how and why our paths crossed when they did, what higher power caused us to collide. The truth of the matter is that our friendship is deep and connected in ways that just don't have explanation. We have pretty much concluded that it was a very specific chain of events that happened during a particular time period. Had one single day not happened as it did, we might not have made the connection. Everything as it should be. Anyway, by the end of the day, we had played dress up and make up and danced to music with the kids. We had kissed boo boos and discussed dinner. She reminded me of all the wonderful things about my husband and I reminded her of all the wonderful things about hers (girlfriends have to do this every now and then, you know.) We talked about being professionals, about owning our own businesses, about being successful and self sufficient. How blessed we are to know that, if we had to, we could support ourselves. That we are not bound to anyone out of need - that we are bound to folks in our lives out of love and choice. I once read that the measure of a good friend, one who is worth keeping around, is noticing if you feel better or worse after having spent time with them. Think about that. Don't we all have "friends" who leave us feeling drained and lethargic after having spent time with them? I have never once felt that way after leaving JP. I am so proud of her - she makes me proud of myself. That is a true blue friend.
Monday, November 07, 2005
TCB so I can SOMA
Went grocery shopping this morning. Now, let me just say that grocery shopping in our house might be different than in other houses. We do the big grocery shopping trip once a month and then only go to the store for produce and perishables (and, of course, things we eat too quickly like ice cream and apples.) What this means is generally 2 hours in the store with 2 wiggly kids, at least one mid-shopping trip to the bathroom, 3 incidents of losing the list, 2 phone calls, the kids devouring almost an entire box of Pop Tarts before we even get to the check out (my only junk food purchase of the day,) and it all culminates in a bill of over $200 and an extra cart to haul the loot out. Managing 2 carts loaded with food and kids through a downhill parking lot is not always the easiest thing in the world to do. I'm strong and I manage, but oh my Moses, it's a work out (careful not to smash into that Mercedes, Sarah.)
When we finally make it home and back into driveway, jobs are handed out. It's always the same job for each kid and it's always the same rules. I park and unload the groceries. I set the bags in the entry way of our home and the boys drag the bags over the hardwood floors into the kitchen. Life is much easier now that they are old enough to help. So, after all this is done, they get a movie and some yogurt and I put everything away, where I want it to go, in peace.
We end about 3 hours after starting out. My kids are great through the whole thing, and as thanks, I let them live. :-)
In less than an hour, we will leave to drive to another town about 30 minutes from here where Stealth will visit the dentist. He has "a bug in his tooth" that needs to be taken care of. He's excited about it! Of course, he is - he's never had a cavity before and he has NO idea what he's in for. I, on the other hand, am all too aware. Anyone got some Scotch?
After the dentist, we'll visit MIL and PhIL, my in-laws. They want to take us to this extra special dairy place in town that has extra special ice cream. Stealth will be unable to eat or drink for an hour after his appointment. Shit. I will be spending that time with my in-laws doing what?? Again, Scotch is welcome.
When all that is done, however, we'll come home. There will be ample food to prepare for dinner - we just have to decide what. I'll cook it, B will do the dishes, and the kids will crash shortly there after. After the kids are in bed, B and I will enjoy a huge ass bowl of salad, probably stare at the glowing box in the living room, and I'll finally start doing what I've been dreaming of since my feet hit the floor this morning - sitting on my ass.
It's good to have goals.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
You spin me right round baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round
Whew, that was nuts! When I get started with these titles, I sometimes cannot stop!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Birth and Rebirth
I got a phone call from a client yesterday afternoon. I have been friends with the expectant father for several years. Their baby was a little over due and there were a few minor possible complications coming up, so they had decided to go into the hospital for an induction. This was a mixed bag of emotions for me. I was somewhat disappointed for them because an induction was absolutely not what they had planned, but I was also excited because I was going to see my friend see his baby come into the world. I had been looking forward to this since early Summer and the time had come.
Over the course of the next several hours, my business partner and I stayed in phone contact with each other and with the expectant couple. I could tell that something unusual was going on -each time they called, they stated that they didn't need us there yet, and the labor was getting complicated. I went to bed early, fully expecting to get called out in the middle of the night. Several phone calls between my partner and I took place during the late hours of the night and the early hours of this morning. By 2 in the morning, it looked like we were not going to be called in to this one after all. Let me tell you, this realization shook me more than I expected. I felt a little gypped, to be honest (and yeah, I know talk about selfish!) I was disappointed because, while I couldn't be sure, I felt that perhaps our presence could have made things go a little more smoothly. I was sad because I was going to miss something that I had looked forward to and worked hard towards. And, I'll be really honest and say that it shook my self confidence a little. My mind was spinning and all I could do was just trust that the universe had it all in control and that, indeed, we are at the births we are meant to attend.
2 hours after I drifted off to sleep, my phone rang again. It was a different client and she was actively laboring!! Well, how about that? This client also held a personal element for me - she was planning a VBAC at a hospital, something near and dear to my heart as I, too, had a VBAC. An hour after her original call, she called again asking me to come to her home. I could tell that things were moving quickly. When I arrived at her door 25 minutes later, I could tell just by the sound of her that she was close to giving birth. Her husband looked at me as though I sincerely was a life saver and, as I found my way to my client, I silently asked the universe to guide me in all that I say and do. She was involuntarily pushing - and she was doing it her own way. She'd been laboring only for 3 hours and it was intense. So, we all loaded up into their vehicle and drove the 15 minutes to the hospital. Sure enough, when she she got to her room, the nurse checked her and, with wide open eyes and a dropped jaw, declared, "I cannot find any cervix at all! You're completely dilated - go ahead and push, if you feel like it." (For the record, hospitals are not used to folks coming in complete at all - this totally blew their minds.)
Without getting into the details, she pushed her baby out less than 2 hours after we arrived at the hospital and she did it all on her own, under her own power, without any drugs. She did it. She really did it.
I watched her face as she pushed her baby out, as she held her daughter for the first time, as her husband cried over them both and gushed in the most amazing way that only new fathers can. I watched her realize that she is not a broken woman, that she is whole and complete and that she can do this. I watched her face and she whispered the words, "This is what it's meant to be." I watched her old wounds heal and I realized that some of my old wounds were healing, too. I was able to complete the circle - to give to her what DDFF had given to me 3 and a half years ago. And I have to tell you, I don't know who was more proud - the new family or the doula.
With tears in their eyes, this lovely couple told their parents about me and what I meant to them. While my ears always love to hear praise, all I could think was that they had done just as much for me, if not more, than I had done for them. I have such an amazing career.
As of this writing, my friend and his wife have still not given birth. I can only trust that it was meant to be this way for them, and for me.
I have learned so much in the last 22 hours. I have learned that sometimes we miss the births we're meant to miss and we absolutely attend the births we are meant to attend. I'm blessed to be in this line of work - where else can you see new babies be born and be reborn yourself?
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
New pictures
There's new pictures up on Kohleidoscope, iffin's you wanna take a look. Many of the items you see (and I'm working on several others) will be at the Beaux Arts show the last weekend of November. Come and take a look see, eh?
Gilbert K. Chesterton
I think I may have a new hero. Check him out. The quotes alone are just wonderful.
The most wondeful concept in the world
Pronoia. Check it out. Dee2 writes about it amazingly well (okay, well, she let a magazine do it, but you know, it's more than I have!)
So, I apologize for copping out. It's all part of a covert plot to improve my life. :-)