For my friends who could use this

The True Path

Just before Ninakawa passed away the Zen master Ikkyu visited him. "Shall I lead you on?" Ikkyu asked.

Ninakawa replied: "I came here alone and I go alone. What help could you be to me?"

Ikkyu answered: "If you think you really come and go, that is your delusion. Let me show you the path on which there is no coming and no going."

With his words, Ikkyu had revealed the path so clearly that Ninakawa smilled and passed away.

Johari Window

A Johari window is a metaphorical tool intended to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships. It is used primarily in self-help groups and corporate settings as a heuristic exercise.

Terms selected only by the participant, but not by any of their peers, are placed into the Façade quadrant, representing information about the participant of which their peers are unaware. It is then up to the participant whether or not to disclose this information.

Terms that are not selected by the participant but only by their peers are placed into the Blind Spot quadrant. These represent information of which the participant is not aware, but others are, and they can decide whether and how to inform the individual about these " blind spots".

Terms which were not selected by either the participant or their peers remain in the Unknown quadrant, representing the participant's behaviors or motives which were not recognized by anyone participating. This may be because they do not apply, or because there is collective ignorance of the existence of that trait.

source - Wikipedia


C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it.

Click on the red letters below to
Do my Johari Window!

Wonderful ads

Guiness

 

&

 

Happily Ever After  (this is probably not work friendly nor is it appropriate for children, but every adult should see it.)

 

Thanks, Sandie.

Homeschool goodness

So, we're checking out the difference between wool, mohair, and my own hair.

Duck says that the roots of my hair look like rotten bananas.

LOVELY. 

Homeschool goodness

 

HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!!!

http://www.columbiatribune.com/2006/Apr/20060427News007.asp

Got milk? Jill Youse does and she's sending it to help babies in South Africa.

By ANNIE NELSON of the Tribune's staff
Published Thursday, April 27, 2006
Columbia resident Jill Youse went from not wanting to breast-feed her daughter, Estella, to sending about 1,000 ounces of her milk to South Africa to feed HIV/AIDS-orphaned babies.
Don Shrubshell photo
Jill Youse displays some of the 1,000 ounces of breast milk she has frozen for shipment to AIDS orphans in South Africa.
Youse, 28, overproduces breast milk. In her first month of breast-feeding her daughter, now 9 months old, she realized she had more than Estella could ever use. Her freezer is so full with stored milk she said her family hasn't eaten a frozen meal in months.
Youse began researching possible uses for the milk and came across iThemba Lethu, a not-for-profit organization in Durban, South Africa, that takes in HIV/AIDS orphans.
The organization has a breast milk bank, started in 2001 by Professor Anna Coutsoudis of the University of Kwa Zulu Natal Medical School, said Penny Reimer, the director of the bank, in an e-mail from South Africa.
"The first baby to be admitted, Musa, he was malnourished and ill. So Anna persuaded a friend who was breast-feeding her own baby to express a little extra milk for a few days," Reimer wrote. "The result was so amazing that her dream began."
The World Health Organization recently completed a study that found infants who were not fed breast milk in the first two months of life were six times more likely to die than those being breast-fed.
The iThemba Lethu breast milk bank was started with funding from the United Nations Children's Fund, which estimates that 15 million children worldwide have lost one or both parents to AIDS. That number is expected to reach 25 million by 2010.
In Durban, Reimer said, each baby requires 1 liter of pasteurized breast milk a day. Youse's donation equals nearly 30 liters of milk, or almost 8 gallons.
Youse said she had reservations about breast-feeding Estella for two reasons. She is a pharmaceutical sales representative and didn't think it would fit in her busy schedule, and Youse's mother didn't breast-feed her. Youse was born in the '70s when, she said, advertising for baby formula implied it was superior to anything the human body could create. Youse said her mother now wishes she had breast-fed.
Youse's husband, Jeremy, a 26-year-old medical student, was seeing firsthand the benefits of breast-feeding a baby during his obstetrics and gynecology rotation. He started putting articles about breast-feeding on the fridge and around the house.
Finally, he and Youse's grandmother, Mildred Early, persuaded her to breast-feed. When Youse discovered iThemba Lethu, Early became the first donor of $1,000 toward Youse's own not-for-profit organization, the International Breast Milk Project.
Youse hopes her organization might one day supply what she calls "liquid gold" to milk banks around the world.
Breast milk, according to iThembu Lethu's Web site, contains cells and antibodies that are active in fighting infection along with fatty acids not found in infant formulas that are important for brain development and other body processes.
The American Academy of Pediatrics also advocates breast milk as the optimal form of nutrition for infants.
Youse's organization eventually will need financial support to ship the milk around the world but also will need milk to ship. "A mom could increase the number of times she pumps a day while still nursing her baby. That can help increase milk production," said Youse's lactation consultant, Patt Stewart, a registered nurse and an internationally board-certified lactation consultant.
A mother's breast milk production responds to a baby's demand, Stewart said. By doing extra pumping, the mother can trick her body into producing more milk.
For now, Youse is taking baby steps. Her next goal is to personally take a second shipment of breast milk to South Africa this summer. "That is one of my dreams," she said. "To give those HIV orphans hugs and kisses this summer and meet Penny."

'Cause we all need a laugh

Woke up to a puking 4 year old (the day after his birthday!!!) and a feverish 5 year old.  NOT a good way to start the day (although, they both did let me get through my yoga before the illness started ...) 

 

I came downstairs to wash yet another load of ick covered clothing / towels / blankets and checked my inbox and found this waiting for me from my favorite intercontinental friend.

 

May you all laugh and think of me in my sick house of youngsters.

 

 

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood bar last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eye? "Fsh".

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

17. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow cases? They are making headlines everywhere.

18. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.

19. A termite walks into a bar and says is the bar tender here?

20. A skeleton walks into a bar and says give me a beer and a mop....

21. A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "how much for a beer?" Bartender, "for you, no charge."

22, Two hydrogen atoms were talking, "I lost my electron this morning." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm positive."

Oh my goodness, birthdays are so much fun

I could not resist posting these pictures of my birthday kid.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY STEALTH!!!!!

Stealth this morning

My crazy, adorable, caring, dare devil, loving, funny, gentle, sweet, gnarly, energetic, wild, adventurous, healing, wise, older than his years, inspiring son is 4 years old today. He made his entrance into the world at 11:23 am and the world has never been the same.

Mama loves you, Stealth. Happy birthday!

Morgan Spurlock is my hero

that is all.

 

Back to yor regularly scheduled goofing off.

 

Rock and Roll Party Queens

It's Sunday and I cannot think of a better reason to give some props to my girlies, so grab your Mojitos and your best bra and listen up!

 

DDFF kicked some serious belly booty last night.  It was a hoot helping her get ready - it's unreal what goes into a 10 minute performance.  As expected, she was gorgeous and did her thang with grace and ease and just the right amount of in-your-face.  Sushi afterwards was delightful, as always.  I took some great pics of her, so if you know her blog, check it out -there might be photos or a write up???

 

My photographer, Nichelle, is leaving us and moving to the Windy City in a few weeks.  I'll sure miss her -she's just so much silly fun.  Her beautiful photography has enriched my life - I have pregnancy portraits, amazing birth photos, family portraits, and next week, B and I are having a session with just us.  I've signed a release allowing her to use a few photographs of me in an upcoming show, possibly this fall.  I'm excited about it and I hope I can go- a girlie weekend in Chicago?  Forget about it - I'm all over that like brown on rice (white rice is evil.)

 

The only good news about Nichelle leaving is that I can now start obsessively and shamelessly promoting another amazing photographer friend of mine, Anastacia Pottinger  .  Stacie does such amazing work and her work with babies - oh my dear Elvis on velvet, it's breath taking.  Please visit her website and see for yourself.  An hour with Stacie is an hour with bliss.  If you're local, be sure to check out her photography at Main Squeeze in May.

 

I saw my good friend, Chris, last night.  She's just stunningly beautiful inside and out and every time I see her, I feel like I've been given a breath of fresh air.  I'm so lucky to have crossed paths with her - she just radiates love and light and art.  Please visit her website and maybe pick up a few handmade goodies for yourself.

 

Miss Velma and her mate, Mark, have set a date for their official union!  October 7  they'll be getting hitched in their own way, under their own power, with their own muses to guide them.  I'm lucky enough to have been invited and this is one party I don't want to miss!  I think 6 months is enough time to figure out how I can get myself to San Francisco, don't you?

 

JenPen called me last night and we're planning a 2 family camping trip.  It'll be her kids and my kids first camping adventure, so we're starting off in my backyard.  If it's a success, we'll venture further out of my property lines next time to a place with lakes.  SO MUCH FUN!!!  It's amazing how two grown women who are best friends can get so giggly and silly and just so like school girls.  I love love love her.

 

My online girlfriends who bring their brains everywhere they go are having their annual get together this weekend in Boston.  I sure wish I was with them - these women have enriched my life so much in the few months that I've known them.  Thick as thieves we are, I tell you.  If any of you are reading, have a margarita for me, okay?  And Miss Wave?  I saw the photos, those are some great girls you're sporting now!  Cha cha cha!

 

Sandie leaves for New Zealand in like 5 minutes.  Well, okay, not five minutes, but within a matter of days.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.  Sniff! Sniff!

 

Jill should be receiving a present in the next day or two from me.  heh heh heh.  Who's waiting now, eh?  We've started this amazing MP3 challenge -every week we set a challenge (such as "the song that most reminds you of your sophomore year in high school") and then we have to send each other 1 song that we have owned at one time or another that fits the bill.  Whoever wins gets to be iPod Goddess of the week and lord it over the other.  Should we both send the same song we both will run away and vacation together in Zanzibar.  Cannot wait until she issues the next challenge tomorrow.  C'mon, Jill My Bill, show me whatchu got!

 

We're visiting the in-laws today for a birthday celebration for me, Stealth, and my sister in law, D.  Have I told you how much I love my new sister in law?  Good gravy on toast, she's the BEST.  But, she's only turning 25, so therefore I have to hate her.  Just a little.

 

Okay.  Mojitos down.  The muffins are done -it's time for breakfast!

 

 

 

 

 

 

in brief

DDFF gonna kick some bellydancing butt tonight.  She's got some butterflies, but she's gonna nail it - or I'm gonna show my butt.  I promised.  So, she's gonna nail it!  Sushi after will never have tasted so good.  Kirin on me, mamasita.

 

Jill now has a partner in her obsession with the Stones.  Thanks, Ma'am.  Got the file.  I'll be sure to put roses on your grave.

 

There are all kinds of  GOOD moms out there who dig Kid Rock.  Nice to know that I'm not alone.

 

Stealth turns 4 on Tuesday. 

 

Got an overnight without the kiddos tomorrow night.  What kind of trouble shall me and the Mr. get into??  Not enough notice to fly to Ireland, dammit. 

 

My kids kick ass.  There.  I said it.

 

The results!

As it turns out, both boys ate candy most of the morning, but they abandoned it themselves long before it was all gone.  Ah,I have such great kids!

Scientific Experiment

I'm letting my kids go crazy today on the Easter Candy (thank you, MIL.)  I usually dole it out, but then I eat it and I don't need that.

 

So, for today and today only, they are allowed to eat as much of if as they want.  Starting now, at 7:26 in the morning.

 

Wish us all luck.  I wonder how many will be standing at the end of it all ...

The Answer

"You should not put your body on someone unless you intend to love"

 

Grace Slick, Altamont Speedway, December 6, 1969
 

Like

I do not like cramps

 

I do like chocolate

 

I do not like conservatives (in general, of course, there are exceptions)

 

I do like sushi

 

I do not like sour cream or mayonnaise and what the hell, exactly, is Miracle Whip??

 

I do like fibers

 

I do not like pressure to create with fibers

 

I do like my husband

 

I do not like many of my husband's quirks

 

I do like alcohol

 

I do not like hangovers

 

I do like flowers

 

I do not like houses that are too big for their families

 

I do like Erzulie

 

I do not like that my library does not have downloadable books that can be played on Erzulie

 

I do like my girlfriends

 

I do not like that I cannot go to the get together in Boston this weekend

 

I do like being 30

 

I do not like folks who are in their 30s (or older) and still act like they're 21

 

I do not like 21 year olds (in general, see above)

 

I do like this country

 

I do not like this country's voting records

 

I do like honesty

 

I do not like folks who bitch but never change

 

I do like my body

 

I do not like body hatred

 

I do like people who stand out

 

I do not like folks who try too hard to fit in

 

I do like cooking

 

I do not like cooking for my kids, 'cause all they will eat voluntarily is crap, so then I have to refuse to make them any crap and then they say, "but MOM," and that makes me want to get drunk, and if you've been paying attention, you know that I do not like hangovers.

 

I do not like folks who do not pay attention

 

I do like new music

 

I do not like *all* new music

 

I do not like women (girls) who get rich by being (pretending to be) stupid

 

I do like people who believe what they believe, know what they believe, and will fight for what they believe

 

I do not like people who do nothing

 

I do like shoes

 

I do like jewelry

 

I do like clothes

 

I do not like brand name labels that are visible

 

I do not like folks who pimp the flag

 

I do not like folks who bitch about government but don't vote

 

I do like getting letters

 

I do not like buying stamps

 

I do like tattoos, piercings, motorcycles and loud music

 

I do like classical music, hot tea, and the newspaper

 

I do not like bubble gum pop, Red Bull, and MTV

 

I do like freedom of speech

I do not like censorship

 

I do like writing

 

I do not like being inside on a beautiful day.

 

What do you like?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man, the Stones make me want to be a Honky Tonk Woman.

 

 

How did I survive before

Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan's The Ballad of Broken Seas ?

Since some of you have taken my music suggestions (JJ's In Between Dreams,) let me tell you a little about this one.  Mom, you wouldn't like it.  It's sedated.  It's smokey.  It's dark and haunting and yet angelic at the same time.  Bare bones and complex at the same time.  It's Country Kitchen and coffee and Winston Lights at 3 in the morning for your ears.
 

 

Facts

Eating like shit will kill you - if not in body then certainly in spirit and soul.

It is better to spend $6 on 1 pound of bacon without preservatives than to spend $1 on 6 pounds with them.

White flour has the same nutritional value as shoe leather and notebook paper. Same goes for white sugar and iceberg lettuce.

Cheap food is cheap food for a reason - it's a deal at who's expense? The buyer's.

I've written those facts more for my own benefit than for yours.

Some things are adjustable. Some things are not. Read your labels.

Occasionally, personal property tax bills get lost. Occasionally the personal property tax officers are awesome. Today, both happened.

It's a good idea to test clean a patch of a hand sewn silk quilt *before* your 5 year old vomits on it.

The quickest way to discover that you don't want to do something anymore is to advertise that you are doing it.

6 weeks is not enough notice to rent a park pavilion. Dammit.

Tempeh is da shit.

Having a Pen Pal, even when you're not old enough to write anything yet, has value beyond words..

Analyzing everything is just pointless and wastes time, energy, and emotion. Hell, even Freud took a day off. Give it a rest already!

Kids are listening all the time - even when they're not in the room.

They will also hide the fact that they can read from you until your write out what you bought them for their birthday.

$20 for a wooden train seems like an incredible waste of money until you see the proud new owner of said train introduce his new buddy to everyone within earshot - the gas station clerk, the checker and the produce guy at Hy-Vee, the dog next door ...

Butterflies are not for sale and man does not control the wind. Get out and enjoy them before they are all gone.

LOVE that

Heh heh heh.

I just found the problem with my banking account - I had forgotten to write down a deposit.

The money is *mine.*

I LOVE THAT.

Random

I miss Jill.  Wish her family would leave her so she could get back online.  We talk every single day 'cept when she's got company, dammit.

 

Going out with DDFF and posse  tonight for her birthday.  I'm looking forward to it.  Saturday, I get to watch her shake her thang and balance a sword on her head - awesome!  Man, I love that woman.

 

VJ is working through some hard shit, but she's doing it with grace, dignity, courage, and strength.  I'm proud of you, ma'am.

 

JFL - more than my luggage, baby.  You understand.  Cannot wait for the tea, toots.

 

30 is not bad.  Not bad at all.  Had a WONDERFUL birthday weekend, couldn't have asked for more!!

 

Easter bites me in the ass every year.  We don't celebrate, but my in laws go overboard, apparently to compensate for their heathen children. I have more chocolate in my house than Willy Wonka -and I'm getting ready to bleed.  SHIT.  Nice knowing you, new dress.  I'll see you after a thousand crunches.

 

For the last 3 weeks, my bank has said that I have $250 more than I show having in my check book register.  Hmm.  Everything that I have written down has cleared.  What the hell???  I mean, it could be worse, the error could be in the bank's favor, but I'm still not spending a dime.  Freaky.

 

My kids have grown up and you know what?  They're really REALLY cool.

 

SS moves to New Zealand in a matter of days.  Ah, a new place to vacation!

 

I've decided that the boys are old enough to learn more responsibility -like putting their own clothes away. S o I'm off to teach them.  And bribe them, of course.  Good thing I don't have a problem with that.

It's her day!

Happy Happy Birthday, DDFF!

Love you more than sushi dipped in margaritas and rolled in organic chocolate, baby.

I have the best girlfriends in the world.  Period.

I'm feeling the love, ladies.  I'm feeling the love!!!

 

 

DDFF comes through again!

DDFF and I have a lot in common.  We both dig birthwork.  We both dig fibers.  Our husbands are nearly the same.  We both homeschool.  We both love good music, margaritas, sushi, books, and chai.  And we're both Aries.  Her birthday is just 2 days after mine.

We always exchange gifts, have been doing so for 4 years now, and every year, she gets me great stuff! 

This year, she gifted me with a beautiful pendant that unlocks the third eye chakra made by a sort of crazy person, so you know it's got good juju.  She gave me a gorgeous postcard of a purple crown plant with an inspirational writing on the back.  And, oh my goodness, she gave me a Pacifica Sandalwood Soy Candle.  Good Gravy, she made me feel so good and loved.   I just adore DDFF.

 

Thanks, Mama.  I love it all and I love you. 

It WAS Mark Lanegan!

Well, sort of!  Mark Lanegan is on the cd that Jill sent me - the best cd evah.  She and her hubster created this disc of fab music AND song lyrics AND album artwork, so when I load it all on Erzuile (which I'm doing right now,) I'll be able to listen to great tunes while looking at the album covers and reading the lyrics as they scroll across 'Zulie's screen.  ROCK ON.

 

The Playlist

Cross Town Traffic - Jimi Hendrix

Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me) -  Steve Harley

Gone - Jack Johnson

Gone Going  - Black Eyed Peas featuring Jack Johnson

DARE - Gorillaz

Face a la mer (avec Passi) - Calogero  (note to self - learn French.)

One By One - Billy Bragg and Wilco

Furnace Fan - Robert Earl Keen

Girl In The War - Josh Ritter

Strange Religion - Mark Lanegan

Honey Child What Can I Do? - Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan

Let Me Ride - Allman Brothers Band

Bad Penny - Rory Gallagher

 

Can I just say -AMAZING!!!!!

And yes, Jill, I was a good girl and uploaded lyrics and artwork.  Going with us on our trip!

Thank you Thank you Thank You!

 

 

I'm not good at delayed gratificaton ...

Jill sent me a package from Ireland for my birthday, but she had her hunk-a-licious husband write on the package "Do not open until 15th April!!!!" 

 

DAMMIT!

 

And the real bitch is that she *knows* what she's doing to me by asking me to wait.  We've known each other for 17 years - this is outta control.

 

I felt it up, though, and I'm guessing it's a cd, which rocks because Jill has the best taste in music next to me, of course!  Oh goodness, sometimes I'm just so freaking funny!  Seriously, though, she's got it going on.  Of course, I'm kiping all her music anyway, but handpicked goodies always sound better, you dig?

 

Or I suppose it could be a bomb?  Unlikely.  I mean, I've had multiple Irish Car Bombs in my day and this doesn't look or smell like anything I've ever experienced.

 

Could it be a puppy?

Mark Lanegan?

World peace?  (remember that?  8th grade, baby!)

Surely it's not ganja.

Sex toys?  Nah, they'd never have made it here ....

A new truck?

A monkey?

 

I'm guessing some sort of media device. 

 

I love birthdays.  Can you tell?

 

Thanks, Jill.  Hope you survive the invasion of the 'rents and I'll try to survive kissing my 20s good-bye.  It's already easier having you in my corner.

 

Cheers!

Sunday is Easter. I keep forgetting.  Growing up the daughter of a United Methodist minister, Easter was nearly bigger than Christmas.  It was HUGE, it was everything.  But this year, I've completely forgotten.  My kids don't even know what Easter is about.  This almost made me feel guilty until I realized that they don't know about Easter because their parents are not Christians.

 

Wow.

 

Their parents are not Christians.

 

For someone with my background, saying that is about the same as saying "not human."  It's hard for my mouth to say, but not at all hard for my mind to grasp.  It's just training my mouth to keep up with my soul, you know?

 

The truth of the matter is, however, that there are a lot of similarities between Christianity and Buddhism.  Check out this Koan:

 

Not Far from Buddhahood

A university student asked Gasan, "have you ever read the Christian Bible?"

"No, read it to me," said Gasan.

The student opened the Bible and read from St. Matthew: "And why take ye thought for rainment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They toil not, neither do they spin, and yet I say unto you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these... Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."

Gasan said: "Whoever uttered those words I consider an enlightened man."

The student continued reading: "Ask and it shall be given to you, see and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened for you. For everyone that asketh receiveth, and he that seeketh findeth, and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

Gasan remarked: "That is excellent. Whoever said that is not far from Buddhahood."

 

We're all part of the same collective consciousness. 

Namaste.

Ugh

So, I have discovered that, as wonderful as it is to get a birthday cake, I can no longer eat the birthday cake.  I woke up this morning sure I was going to fall apart instantly - nausea, scratchy throat, general feeling of "coming down" like I used to experience daily when I was still druggin' ( i.e. every day of my late teens and early 20s.)

 

This is what healthy eating will do to you.**  I've become accustomed to flour being 100% whole wheat or soy. Sugar, when it exists, is unrefined.  Fats are usually in the form of olive oil or organic butter.  Eggs are antibiotic free and free range.

 

The cake that is in my fridge is none of those.  It's, as DDFF would call it, Satan's Asshole.  She's pretty much right (although, I'm still so happy and thrilled and touched at getting that cake!!!!)

 

I need me some serious Main Squeeze and maybe some good sushi to flush out my system.  I can hear all the preservatives inside dancing like mad going, "heh heh heh, take that, you hippie."

 

 

 

**leave my occasional diet coke alone.  I'm human, folks.  It's my weakness.

Lovely surprise

Today was Stealth's Kindermusik day.  His best friend, T, is in his class and they just love each other to death.  While we don't know each other outside of Kindermusik, T's Mom, L, and I have gotten to be fairly close friends over the last year or so of Kindermusik.  She's sweet and delightful and kind and I look forward to seeing her every week.

 

Today, we walked down the stairs and saw L & T standing in the doorway with huge grins on their faces.  T then came running at me with a bouquet of flowers and L brought a big beautiful birthday cake out from behind her and they shouted, "HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY, SARAH!!!"

 

I was so touched, I nearly cried.  No one, NO ONE has ever done anything like that for me before.  How lucky am I?

The IQ of Missouri just lowered -

The Monkey just took the stage.  My God, he's an ingorant ass.  It just blows my mind that he survived this long on the planet, much less that he's the President!  Honestly, this must be the worst acid trip anyone has ever been on.

 

And he's taking up air time usually reserved for Days of Our Lives. Come on, eh?  If I wanted to listen to mindless drivel, I'd watch The Teletubbies.  Oh wait - he IS a Teletubbie.  Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La, Po, and Professo Stupido!


 

The sins of the daughter

It's been said that hindsight is 20-20.  I suppose that could be true.  Things lately have started coming into view in a much different way than they have in the past.  I see things differently.  I experience things differently.  I'm finding the answers I've searched for for so long.  The fascinating thing is that most of the answers are nothing that I could have ever imagined.

 

No one had an ideal childhood.  If you meet someone who says that they did, they're either a) lying, b) in denial, or c) still living at home with their parents.  Now, of course, some folks had a better experience than others and some folks are more sensitive than others, but truth is that all parents screw up now and then.  We all goof up, we all damage our kids a little here and there, no matter how hard we try not to.  It's just inevitable because we are human. 

 

We are human.  And so are our parents.

 

My father wasn't the best father in the world.  He has admitted that he screwed up.  A lot.  He was hurtful and revengeful and judgemental and controlling.  He was verbally and mentally abusive and wasn't shy with the use of his hands in anger, either.  I grew up hating him.  We all did.  The amazing thing about hate, though, is that it is the exact same emotion as love.  You cannot hate someone you don't also love.  I was scared of him.  I was hurt by him.  I was lost without the father that all my friends seemed to have - you know, the one who would dance with you, who would support you and give you advice and mentor you.  I feel, to some extent, I really missed out. 

 

If you had asked me 10 years ago what my father was like, I would have told you that he was cruel.  Now I see that he was most likely lonely.  He spent the majority of his time in the tv room, isolated from the rest of the family.  He put himself there every night after dinner (which was spent either chastising us for not doing well enough at school or staring at the TV and ignoring us completely.)  He wasn't checking in with us.  We thought he was running away from us, that he was choosing to oust us from his life.  But the truth is that we ousted ourselves.

My father never once kept us from hanging out with him.  Yes, he went to the basement to watch TV, but most likely because he wasn't interested in watching L.A. Law.  He never closed the door, though.  He never said, "Don't come down here."  We are just as responsible for that sense of isolation as he is - we could have joined him, but we didn't - well, not as much as I now see he would have liked.

 

Every once and a while I would venture down there (or up there, depending on what house we're talking about) and sit with him and watch sports.  We used to watch boxing together and eat popcorn out of a big black bowl.  I would sit on his back while he did push ups and walk on his back when it was sore.  He taught me the rules of baseball and he taught me to love the game.  He taught me how to bait a hook and how to fish and he let me watch every time he cleaned the fish for dinner.  He taught me the value of gardening, that without trees there is no air.  He taught me how to do proofs in high school math and he taught me the Theory of Quantum Physics.  My dad took us to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey circus.  He took me to Cardinal games. He took me to football games.  He took me to Six Flags and to Worlds of Fun.  He took me swimming in creeks and ponds.  He gave me the roots of what I hold dear today.  Without him, I would be a different person. 

 

My father did the best he could with the tools he had.

He did the best he could.

He loved us.

He continues to love us.

 

I see now that I have judged my father for such a long time. I have judged him through the eyes of a child.  Now I hope to love him with the heart of an adult.  I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without him.  I owe him.  I owe him so much.  And I love him.

 

And I still love baseball and boxing - especially when eating popcorn out of a certain black bowl.

Candyman

I posted here not so long ago that I was married before B, for about 45 seconds or so.  That was never meant to be.  B was actually our wedding photographer and as I was walking down the aisle, I looked at B and thought, "Damn, why is he taking pictures instead of taking me??"  We've always been suited to one another -even so much so that it came out in my dreams.  Jill just sent me an album, The Grateful Dead's American Beauty, that means so much to me - it sang in my future with my Candyman.

 

I dreamed one night that I was in an apartment with my then husband, S.  The apartment, however, wasn't the apartment we were living in.  It was a location as of yet unknown.  I dreamed that I was washing dishes at a kitchen sink that over looked a backyard.  I dreamed that I got a phone call.  When I answered the phone, it was B, calling me from outside the window, and he was singing Candyman.  I woke immediately and knew that B and I would be together - I just had to wait for him to come around again.

 

Candyman

Come on all you pretty women, with your hair a hanging down,
Open up your windows cuz the candyman's in town.
Come on boys and gamble, roll those laughing bones,
Seven come eleven, boys I'll take your money home.

Look out, look out the candyman,
Here he comes and he's gone again.
Pretty lady ain't got no friend till,
The candyman comes around again, around again.

I come from memphis where I learned to talk the jive,
When I get back to memphis be one less man alive.
Good morning mr. benson, I see you're doing well,
If I had me a shotgun I'd blow you straight to hell.

Look out, look out the candyman,
Here he comes and he's gone again.
Pretty lady ain't got no friend till,
The candyman comes around again, around again.

Come on boys and wager if you have got the mind,
If you've got a dollar boys, lay it on the line,
Hand me my old guitar, pass the whiskey round,
Won't you tell everybody you meet that the candyman's in town.

Look out, look out the candyman,
Here he comes and he's gone again.
Pretty lady ain't got no friend till,
The candyman comes around again, around again.

 

The song isn't a love song by any means.  And most folks wouldn't find it encouraging.  But, then again, most folks don't have a Candyman like B.

 

Oh, and the apartment?  It wasn't apartment.  It was a house.  And the kitchen?  It's the same kitchen I cook in every day.  I dreamed of my life with B and I dreamed of our house 3 years before I ever saw .

 

Thanks, Jill, for giving me back the soundtrack of my life.

 

 

 

Where I'll be on my birthday ...

The Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art
 

Just me and B, strolling, admiring, looking at fine art together.  Perfect, just simply perfect.

Super cool

that the albums of two semi-local bands are listed in the iTunes database!!  Okay, so one of them is defunct (Trailhead) and the other one is actually from KC or Kansas (Hadacol,) but damn, folks, they're listed on iTunes!  Kick ass.

 

bliss

It's Sunday.  It's B's day off.  It's Spring.  All wonderful things.

This morning was B's day to sleep in.  This man can sleep anytime, anywhere, for long periods of time, so it's my job to wake him up, even on his days off, because if left to his own devices, he'll sleep all freaking day.  So I woke him up this morning by crawling into bed with him (a little jealous that it wasn't my own day to sleep in.)  We lay there talking, listening to the birds, hanging out.  The boys wandered in and climbed into bed with us.  I was struck by how blessed I am. 

I have a beautiful family.  I have a handsome, responsible, respectable, energetic, loving, ambitious, motivated, Renaissance kind of husband.  We have two gorgeous, smart, funny, spiritual boys.  We own our own home.  We own (to some extent) our own businesses.  We are skilled people.  We have friends.  We have family.  We have a strong belief system.  We have trust.  We have peace in our lives.  We know who we are, what we want, and how to get it. 

This afternoon, we'll play outside in our yard, climb our own trees that we are borrowing from the Earth for awhile.  I'll bring my spinning wheel out and I'll spin on the deck while the men in my life mill about trimming branches, raking old leaves, pulling weeds.  I'll see the red buds on our tree, smell the daffodils that are everywhere, and watch the tiny tulip, the only one we have, slowly bloom at the bottom of our deck stairs.

Maybe later I'll call a girlfriend and plan a night for dinner  / drinks (DDFF, SS, I'm thinking of you, Sistahs.)

Maybe we'll put the boys to bed early and spare some time for just B and me as a couple.

Maybe I'll go buy some beer and n/a beer and we'll sit outside around the fire pit after dark.

Maybe.

All I know for sure is that I have all I've ever wanted.  All that matters, anyway.

 

goofing around ...

Just hanging out, having fun. Click to enlarge.

My Hero

Every once in a while ---

I'm really glad to be living my life.  I'm so looking forward to 30.  This is the best I've ever been.  Only gonna get better.

 

I'm a lucky gal.

 

I am addicted

to downloading free music for Erzulie.  

 

 

Spring has sprung ...

I'm working really hard on being Zen.  It's incredibly life enriching, when I manage to do it well.  One of the things that I'm getting good at is being in the moment, taking a second to notice what I'm seeing, hearing, thinking feeling.  I think we all miss out on 90% of life's experiences because we're somewhere other than we actually are, you dig?

 

So yesterday, I was outside with my boys.  We have this huge mulberry tree in the backyard and B has started carving out part of this huge horizontal branch to make a bench.  He stopped about half way done, about a year or more ago.  But he stopped it in the most delicious spot because this tree has now become a stationary hammock of sorts for me.  I can lay perfectly on it, feet propped up, head nicely cradled by the tree bark, and I can just drift away.  With Erzulie serenading me (yesterday was JJ In Between Dreams and a little Ani DiFranco,) I allowed myself just a few minutes of "this is where I am, I don't need to be anywhere else, doing anything else.  This is where I am."  It was glorious.  I saw 3 pregnant mama robins, noticed the first hints of leaf buds on the catalpa tree, and if I paid really close attention, I could smell the magnolia tree drifting back from the front yard.  I would not have noticed any of those things last year.  I missed it all, being caught up in my brain, not at all in my reality.

 

Spring is a time for rebirth and renewal, hope and harmony, peace and purpose.  The Earth starts again - this year, I'm ready.  This year, I'm a part of it.  This year, I'm Zen.

JK Rowling on Girls, Pink, and Fat

"So the issue of size and women was (ha, ha) weighing on my mind as I flew home to Edinburgh the next day. Once up in the air, I opened a newspaper and my eyes fell, immediately, on an article about the pop star Pink."


"Being thin. Probably not a subject that you ever expected to read about on this website, but my recent trip to London got me thinking...

It started in the car on the way to Leavesden film studios. I whiled away part of the journey reading a magazine that featured several glossy photographs of a very young woman who is either seriously ill or suffering from an eating disorder (which is, of course, the same thing); anyway, there is no other explanation for the shape of her body. She can talk about eating absolutely loads, being terribly busy and having the world's fastest metabolism until her tongue drops off (hooray! Another couple of ounces gone!), but her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms tell a different story. This girl needs help, but, the world being what it is, they're sticking her on magazine covers instead. All this passed through my mind as I read the interview, then I threw the horrible thing aside.

But blow me down if the subject of girls and thinness didn't crop up shortly after I got out of the car. I was talking to one of the actors and, somehow or other, we got onto the subject of a girl he knows (not any of the Potter actresses – somebody from his life beyond the films) who had been dubbed 'fat' by certain charming classmates. (Could they possibly be jealous that she knows the boy in question? Surely not!)

'But,' said the actor, in honest perplexity, 'she is really not fat.'

'"Fat" is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her,' I said; I could remember it happening when I was at school, and witnessing it among the teenagers I used to teach. Nevertheless, I could see that to him, a well-adjusted male, it was utterly bizarre behaviour, like yelling 'thicko!' at Stephen Hawking.

His bemusement at this everyday feature of female existence reminded me how strange and sick the 'fat' insult is. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I'm not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain...

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!'

'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.'

What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

So the issue of size and women was (ha, ha) weighing on my mind as I flew home to Edinburgh the next day. Once up in the air, I opened a newspaper and my eyes fell, immediately, on an article about the pop star Pink.

Her latest single, 'Stupid Girls', is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. 'Stupid Girls' satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs.

Maybe all this seems funny, or trivial, but it's really not. It's about what girls want to be, what they're told they should be, and how they feel about who they are. I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin'. And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls. Rant over."

source: JKRowling.com

Smokin'

The boys and I were lucky enough to see Bowfire today. Actually, it was an open rehearsal, which was even better because everyone was relaxed and in their street clothes and goofing off - it was relaxed and no one seemed to mind two little boys dancing like mad in the aisle.

Check out the link - you'll hear some amazing music. These folks are on FIRE. Love them.

Jill My Bill, it's coming your way - as soon as I figure out how the hell to do it.

Hee hee hee

Will Ferrell - Bush on Global Warming on Transbuddha

thanks, Jill

SPEED

Oh I love speed.  I love DSL.  Happy woman.

The thing about letting yourself feel is

that even when a resolution is made, the pain is still there.  The good side of that?  It's feeling, not stewing.