NOW NOW NOW ME ME ME

I've got issues.  Does this surprise you?  It shouldn't.  We all have issues.  What we do with the issues seems to be the question.  I've been working on mine for a long time and dammit, I'm tired.  Where does the road end?  Yeah yeah yeah, it's all that lovely stuff about "it's journey, not the destination, that matters."  Yes, this is true, but Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick, one generally at least has a destination in mind when starting out on a journey, eh?  My wise red headed friend says that the destination can be vague and that "somewhere other than here" is good enough and that surely, if I keep at it, I'll eventually reach that destination.

 

I know what I want to change about myself.  I know what needs to be changed for me to be healthier in the mind and spirit.  I know what I want to accomplish in order to flow easier with the Earth.

 

But I want to be there already.  Now.  RIGHT NOW.

 

I cannot seem to get there.  This frustrates me.  If I cannot just snap my fingers and change instantly, well, then I might just have to consider that others cannot do it either, and well, that just won't do!  That would change my entire way of thinking.  Somewhere other than here.  DAMMIT.

 

I'm impatient.  I want results immediately.  I expect results immediately - from others as well as from myself.  This has got to change.  Hard to change a habit that's nearly 30 years in the making.

 

Why am I so impatient??  Maybe it's because I have this annoying hyper-accomplishment oriented brain.  GOT. TO. GET. IT . DONE.  NOW.  This mentality turns me into a whirling dervish.  My life is a constant To Do list.  Of course, the majority of things on my list have absolutely NO time line, but my brain reads the list and insists that it must all be done by 1 in the afternoon of that day.  So, since I work that way, everyone else must, too.

 

"Honey, can you get this out of the attic for me?"

"Yes, Baby, I will get it."

"Can you get it right now?  This instant, please?"

"Um, nope.  Not now, baby.  Besides, you don't need it for another week."

"Yeah, but I'm thinking about it now. I want it now.  When can you get it?"

"Um, sweetie, when I'm done pooping.  Soon enough for you?"

"Yeah."

wait

wait

wait

"Honey, are you done yet??"

 

My brain, during this exchange, goes through a million and twelve thoughts as to why he has to poop the second that I want the box from the attic.  Is it because he secretly resents me and my wishes, so he's making me wait?  Is it because there is some deep lesson the earth is trying to teach me about relying on others to climb into the attic and bring down the 75 pound box?  Is it just because he doesn't care that it's important to me?

 

No, man, the dude just has to shit (and he's taking a long time --- can I help him shit faster??).

 

But in my mind, everything is about ME.  Oh man, I bet that woman must feel awkward.  What should I do to lesson her awkwardness?  Oh, man, that other woman left him?  Crap, I feel so badly for him!  Ah gee, the doggie got a bad haircut?  How can I make it better for him?  Thanks for visiting my home!  Can I get you a cup of tea?  No? You're fine?  What's wrong with my tea????

 

This has GOT to stop.

 

Wise Redhead says that awareness is the biggest part of fixing issues.  Fine, I say, but I've known this for about 6 months and it's not changed yet!  Yes, Mamakohl, but 6 months is a very short period of time.

 

6 months is a very short period of time

 

New Year's is a time for resolutions.  In the past I have made resolutions to lose weight (check,) to learn to knit well (check,) to expand my cooking comfort zones (check,) to limit my coffee and add more herbal teas (check, check,) to increase my sexual awareness and adventurism (check, check, you're welcome.)

 

This year, I'm going to resolve to let things resolve on their own.  .  I'm going to understand that not everything is about me.  That I didn't cause, cannot help, every situation for every person.  I'm going to learn that things can suck for others without it causing any part of my life to suck, as well. I'm going to try to learn that sitting for an hour without doing a damned thing is just fine.  I'm going to try to let things happen at their own speed and understand that I need to allow that to happen for myself, too.

 

And I'm going to accomplish all of that by December 31st.

Or not.