What women want

Monkey and Sass

If you've read any of my recent posts, you'll remember that some folks who are important to me are splitting up. Naturally, this gets me to thinking and I have to admit, I've come very close to spilling some secrets, sisters. I've nearly told the man the truth about what women want. Forget Martha-gate, I'm on the verge of some serious insider trading. I feel, however, that it needs to be out there because I do, after all, have compassion for those poor lost souls trying to figure out women. So, here it is.

Girls want to be needed. Women want to be wanted.

When we're girls and young women (really, still just glorified girls,) we think we should be needed. That's what we want from our young men (boys with patchy facial hair and that one lonely wirey chest hair of which they are so proud.) There's nothing more romantic to the young woman than to hear, "I need you so much, baby. I'm nothing without you." When we're young, we want to feel like we are EVERYTHING to a young man, that the world revolves in our over sprayed hair and our Daisy Dukes. We like to "fix" our guys or, at least, show them the way. We love guys who are tormented and write Nyquil poetry (still lovin' you Gegan, wherever you are,) we love guys who are just "misunderstood." We want our guys to make us the center of their universe and the subject of their 3 chord garage band ballads. We long for the 3 AM phone call (for which we are grounded for a week,) because it's the only time said young man can sneak a phone call to us since his folks busted him with the dime bag.

So, our young men grow into full grown men believing that this is still what we want. But, oh they are sorely mistaken.

When we become women, we want to be wanted. Never is this more true than for a woman who has been married for a time and MOST ESPECIALLY if she has children. We're through with being needed. That penny has lost it's shine long ago. We've been needed to pour juice, wipe bottoms, kiss boo boos, fold laundry, drive the car pool, find the work clothes, make dinner, attend the oh so fun office parties and dinners with the boss, sew on buttons, and be thrilled with the three minutes of love that seem to happen once a month and are over almost before we enter the room.

Nope, the "I need you" boat has passed. We're cruising on the "I want you" ocean liner. And here, gentlemen, I give you the secret:

The difference between needing someone and wanting someone is this - when you need someone, it's all about what you NEED from that person, ie, what that person can do for you. When you WANT someone, it's all about what you can do for (with) that person.

Confused? Read on.

We don't want to complete anyone. We want someone to come to us whole already. We don't want to be needed because, dammit, being needed is constant work on someone else. Screw that. We want someone who can fix his own dinner, answer his own phone, figure out which pants match which shirt, can make a decision, have a hobby, whatever. We've been the center of the universe to young boys and children for YEARS and we're done with it, if we have a choice. We want a man to say, "Damn, baby, you've been working so hard. Go ahead, get some sushi with your girlfriends. I'll make my own dinner and play poker with the guys. You stay out as long as you want and I'll see you soon." We want a guy to say, "Hey, check it out - I figured that if you put water on the burner of the stove, it'll boil if it's turned on. Guess what all you can do with boiling water! It's amazing! Here, let me show you!" We want a guy who will share the deepest part of himself with us, not because he needs us to hear it, not because we're the only one he can trust with it, no, we want him to share himself with us because he can, he wants to, and because listening is enough. There's more to providing than bringing home a paycheck. We want you to give as much as you take. While jewelry is nice (oh Elvis, it's nice) we want you to give us things that you cannot hold in your hand.

We want a partner, not a project.

We want to *compliment* a man, not complete a man because a real woman is whole in and of herself and needs no completion - and we'd like the same in return.

Come to us whole or don't come to us at all. We've raised enough men in our lifetimes. We're done raising them. We want to walk beside you, not lead you. We want to delight in who you are, not help you figure that out.

No fear, men of the world, you are winners in this, too! Self sufficiency is an amazing tool to have in your arsenol. BUT, here's yet another secret: women are much more likely to do things for someone if they don't need us to do it. We'll be so much more giving if it comes to us organically and not because it won't get done if we don't do it ourselves. It's so much more enjoyable to make dinner for someone who can feed themselves than it is to make dinner for someone who will walk around like a lost puppy dog for hours complaining of being hungry.

WANT us, gentlemen. That's it. Just WANT us. Delight in us, don't demand from us. Let us hold your hand, not your leash. I assure you, if you can feed your own bellies and your own mind, together we can feed each others souls.

Okay, girls, I've spilled the beans. But, in all fairness, we cannot get what we want if they have no clue what that is. Show this to your guy. If he's worth his salt, I'll meet you at Osaka and we'll stay out till dawn.