Back to Wednesday.
I'm having lunch with one of my good friends. She just found out that she's having a boy. We're gonna eat fat at The Squeeze and talk about the upcoming holiday fiesta at W's (her husband owns W's and B has worked there for, oh, a millenia or so.) Duck and Stealth will be making their inaugural appearance at the party - a fact over which I have mixed emotions, but have been assured and reassured that this is a good thing. Ah, how times change. Folks are bringing their kids this year - in years past, they often times forgot to bring their own pants, but whatever.
The season finale of The Biggest Loser is on tonight. I normally do not watch those kinds of reality shows, but Duck is obsessed with it and I have found myself watching along with him. It's amazing how folks can change their bodies and change their lives. Inspiring, really. Makes me love my size 4s that I worked so damned hard to get into - and that I can still get into. DDFF, I know you're feeling that same pride, mama. So, congratulations to you biggest losers on NBC and elsewhere who have lost scads and scads of weight. Amazing. I salute you with Jell-o.
Christmas is less than 2 weeks away. I'm done, pretty much. I still need to get something for B, but the goontard keeps changing his freaking mind on what he wants. I have a feeling I'll just take him shopping after the new year. How boring. Sheesh. Perhaps I'll get something lacy from V's S and parade under the tree for him. Worked for my friend - her hubby got her a full length fur coat for Christmas and she wore it for him by the tree. It was all she was wearing and I hear that he felt justly compensated. I've seen the photos - I'm sure he was quite pleased to unwrap that gift. Wicked Wave.....
Speaking of Christmas, B loathes Christmas songs. All of them. Frankly, I just think he hasn't heard the right ones. For example, have you all heard Merry Christmas from the Family by Robert Earl Keen? Oh you MUST hear this song. MUST MUST MUST. If I could find a way to put it on a player and play it here for you, I would. (Anyone know how to do that?) Since I cannot, I will again dive into the tacky muck of bad blogging etiquette to present you with the most brilliant holiday lyrics ever:
Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad
Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel
Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family
Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night
Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's
Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family
Now I just don't understand how you can not feel the holiday love when you hear that song.
I would like to take this moment and make an announcement: Apparently, I do not have a big head, contrary to what many of you have assumed for years. I made a head wrap yesterday and I love it, but it's too freaking big. I followed a pattern (miracle #1,) and even checked to make sure the gauge was right (mind blowing miracle #2,) and everything worked like a charm, but it's still too freaking big. I'll just felt it a bit and it'll shrink right up, but let it be known - While Mamakohl's brain is bigger than your average bear's, her head is NOT. Put that tasty nugget in your hookah and fire it up, baby.
Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
B is going to hang the exterior lights today. At least that is what he says. This is always a fun show because he refuses help and the kids always want to watch and the ladder ends up slipping at least once and by the time it's all done, B's screaming about converting to Jehovah's Witness or something because they "don't have any fucking lights!"
Noel, Noel, the first Noel
Duck refuses to write a letter to Santa this year. He keeps asking if he has a phone number. He apparently has a lot to discuss with the man in red this year - things like global warming, organic foods, weather anomalies, and why on earth his parents won't buy him an XBox 360. Apparently these things cannot be worked out via pen and paper. So I think I'm gonna have him call our friend, B.Ray and have him play the man in red. Of course, I'll have to pay him in Camel lights and endless pints of beer, but that's doable.
A box of tampons, some Marlboro lights
Stealth has the warmest hands. They are always warm and toasty. But take my advice, don't go kissing them all the time: he keeps them warm by keeping them in his pants. Around the clock this kid has his hands in his crotch. I don't know if he's trying to make sure what he has doesn't go away or if he's trying to make what he has in there get bigger or if he's just found it to be a terrific hand rest, but something is going on with that kid and he's making a statement loud and clear: He has a penis, he knows where it is, and he's not afraid to use it. SO there.
Merry Christmas from the Family!
1 comment:
It's better that Stealth hold his crotch than his butt. I've got an 11 year old neighbor who walks to the bus stop with BOTH hands down the back of his pants. EEK!
Makes for an interesting comment or 2 from Turtle as we pass every day.
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