BIG

Something very strange happened to me today - something that very rarely, if ever, happens. I was struck speechless - in the strictest sense of the word.

The boys and I ran into one of our favorite women this morning. We had been visiting with our friends and on our way out, we saw our friend, so we all went to say hello. We’ve known “Cass” for about a year and half and have always enjoyed speaking and joking with her. She’s funny and kind and respectful and just a really amazing person. I like her enormously. And so do my boys. Cass has lovely strawberry blond hair, infectious laughter, a bright welcoming smile, and a way with kids that would make any parent wish they could take lessons from her. Cass is a gem.

She is also largely overweight.

My son, looking and sounding angelic as always, looked up into her expectant eyes and said, “Wow Cass! Look at your body!” I said, “oh yes, isn’t that a beautiful shirt??” And my son said, “It’s so fat!!!”

It’s so fat.

That was it for me. I couldn’t speak. What do you do in that situation?

She looked at me with this very strange look of “what the hell is going on here?” Her eyes were big and I honestly had no idea what to say or do. I just kind of gasped my son’s name under my breath and tried so hard to not mess my pants. Finally, she looked at my son and said, “hey, it’s okay,” but then quickly said goodbye.

Ouch.

Parenting is hard shit. Folks think that the biggest challenges are dealing with laundry stains, frogs in pockets, keeping them from watching hours and hours of TV, and keeping the sex toys securely locked away, but sincerely, it’s moments like these that make even the most accomplished parent want to give up and move to a monastery. There just isn’t a right answer to this situation.

On one hand, he was telling the truth. In plain old language, Cass is, indeed, fat. There are some folks who have absolutely no issues at all with this. Some folks, in fact, relish the fact that they are obese and there are many people out there who find it so desirable that a person of even average weight and size would be completely out of the question in terms of attraction. And then there are folks who are overweight and miserable and filled with self loathing. And then there are folks at every stage in between. The trick is that we never ever know who fits into which category. Ugh.

And, of course, this also brings up the issue of ‘what is fat?” What I consider fat is certainly not what other people consider fat. It’s all a matter of opinion, which is decidedly a nasty way to go because most all opinions are based on our societal norms and expectations. Surely I don’t have to continue on with all that is wrong with our society norms and views on weight and beauty. Dear Elvis, that’s another post entirely.

Essentially, we had a long conversation about body image and that folks come in all shapes and sizes and folks have all kinds of different feelings about their bodies. We never know how folks feel about their own body shape and image, and their bodies don’t really matter at all anyway, so it’s probably best to just not comment on people’s bodies at all.

By the end of the conversation, my son and I both felt satisfied - he knew where I was coming from, I knew where he was coming from. I have confidence that it won’t happen again, or if it does, we’ll all be able to handle it better.

Where did he learn about this, though? I know for a fact that I have never commented on Cass’s weight. But you know what? I know that I’ve commented about my own weight. I know that my anorexic sibling talks frequently of weight and often talks about fat people. My in-laws are always talking about getting fat, being fat, avoiding getting fat, losing the fat, the dangers of being fat. It’s also possible that my dramatic weight loss put some ideas into his mind - truth be told, we’ve never discussed it with the kids because, frankly, it didn’t seen important. I’m learning that *it’s all important.*

What started off as a situation all about social niceties and acceptance of all shapes and sizes has opened up a whole can of worms about societal pressures, the horrid over eating and under exercising habits of Americans, body image, healthy life style choices, compassion, and understanding. Fortunately, we had the time and desire to discuss it all. We came to a great peace about it. My children understand so much more about folks now than they did this morning. They understand, as well as their little minds are able, about media and pressure and excess.

And they understand that Cass is, indeed a large woman. Large in heart. Large in thought. Large in spirit.

Wouldn’t be great if we were all so big?